I am embarrassed by the obviously bad information I received about trash pickup post-ice. Ostensibly this info was from our HOA manager, Pam Chandler, but when the containers stood like sentries for days, I got to thinking... maybe it wasn't Pam at all, but Raccoons masquerading as Pam. I mean, Raccoons are pretty smart - they know how to wash food, use tools, and Windows XP is pretty easy.
What do they have to profit? Easy - they can rifle the bags and boxes while we all sleep! One man's throwaway surplus shrimp is Rocky's gourmet feast.
Or maybe it was Jihadists!
I have therefore contacted the Department of Homeland Security to apply for a grant to study this serious breach. After all, there may be dud fireworks embedded in that trash, leftovers from Jan 1. After curing, they could spontaneously ignite, making quite the political statement as if to say - your decadence of consumption is indictment against your lazy way of life.
It's a complicated world today.
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